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Songs, people, and the bible say there are seasons to our lives. The seasons of the next year of my life will bring the brightest of colors and the coolest of temperatures.

The end of my summer brought a sweet boy back home to Texas and has also welcomed the beginning of the end of my college career and the end of my career as a leasing agent. I have moved into a new apartment; my own apartment which I share with Shane and Annabelle. It's different. I come home to silence, all the lights off, and occasionally Shane running down the stairs to greet me at the door. I'm not so sure I could call it home though. All of my belongings are in this apartment (some still in boxes) but it doesn't smell like I would want my home to smell. It doesn't feel like I would want my home to feel. This place could be my "home" for just the next year, which isn't very long, but I want it to feel like a bit of a sanctuary for me. I've only been here for less than a month, so I'm sure I'll make it home eventually.

It's hard to believe that my time in college is slowly coming to an end. And although it's hard to believe, I am very grateful for the end of all of it. I feel like I've been pushing and fighting my way to this point, and even though the pushing and fighting isn't over with yet, it's getting a little easier to breathe and a lot easier break free of what's been holding me here for the past 4 years. I have no clue of exactly where my degree is going to take me. Part me feels like my resume for the rest of my life is going to very eclectic. Not that I feel like I wont be able to hold on to a job, I just enjoy experiencing and learning new things. I want to work with children for the rest of my life and I never want to loose the ability to speak Spanish.

I want to create things as well and have people find interest in what I create. My Mom told me this past Christmas that all she wanted from me for Christmas was a picture I had taken. That meant a lot to me. I want to take moments that people want to keep forever and really allow them to keep them forever. I journal often (outside of this blog) and I fill my journal with all kinds of memories I want to reminisce on and share with others . Writing isn't the only way I fill the pages with memories either. I put movie ticket stubs or flower petals or scents or pictures on the pages too. Why? Because I want all of my senses to remember.
I gave my Gran and Gramps a picture of their dog this past Christmas as well. It was taken out in their backyard that summer. Penny, their dog, died earlier this year. Now, my Gran told me while holding back her emotions, that pictures means more to them than they could have imagined. They have a way to remember their dog forever now and their granddaughter who took it.

If there's anything I could use right now, it would be confidence in the path that has been set out for me. I trust it, but I don't trust myself. I struggle with the need to control this path, and I don't want to. I want to be lead. I don't want to lead.

This is Penny

This is why I take pictures. This picture is a memory for my entire my family; the memory of my Papa holding his first Great Grandchild for the very first time.

The Sound of Melodies

Dear Eve,
Thanks.

Love your daughter,
Rachael


This spiritual warfare is driving me bonkers. How did the serpent know my (Eve's) weakness? Did he know I would crumble beneath his words so easily and the rest of the world would as well? The aftermath of this sin is ridiculous.


But this can't be used as an excuse. Just because Adam and Eve did it first doesn't mean it is passed down and runs in our blood and we "just can't help it."
Genesis 4:7
"If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it."


God said this to Cain before he murdered his brother Abel. Right here God tells us we have a say in this matter - this matter over sin and righteousness. Sin is knocking at my door every single day but do I choose the righteousness of God over the death of sin? Do you?


Worst of all, satan knows my weakness. Satan knows the "not right" choice and he will make it sound delicious. He will make it sound like God is holding out on me and his choice, this sinful choice, is what is best for me.


Right now, this sin for me is lonliness. Satan has used words to tug the stitches on my heart open in order for his battle to reign victorious in me. Satan's desire is for me. Saying those words makes me sick to my stomach and incredibly angry. Satan's victory comes through my death in chosing the sin he has laid out for me.
James 1:15
"Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death."


We are in a battle. A battle against death. Do you get this? Chosing sin over God's righteousness brings death. It puts you on the front lines of satan's army. Where do you fight? Where do you stand? Who do you want to fight for?


I hope and pray it is Jesus.
Romans 8: 1-4, 13
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live acccording to the sinful nuature but according to the Spirit.
For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God."

At the foot of the cross

Where I am made complete

You have given me life

Through the death You bore for me

And You've won my heart

And You've won my heart

Now I can

Trade these ashes in for beauty

And wear forgiveness like a crown

Coming to kiss the feet of mercy

I lay every burden down

At the foot of the cross

Stuck

I've been wanting to write for this thing for a while but my thoughts wont settle down to make sense of what the world has been like around me. My journal entries for the past week have been about 6 pages long, but then I get on here and I'm silent. I've wanted my words to breathe on here. I've wanted the reader and myself to look back and have this long exhale after we're done reading. And while exhaling we both think together, "Gosh, God is so good." From brain to pen to paper I can do this. But here, I'm just stuck.

I'm learning so much right now about myself and the amazing God I am blessed to know and serve. He is moving. His Spirit dwells in me and it is moving. He is stirring my emotions, creating new romances, building new lives in His name and for His glory. He is alive and He lives in me.

And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor

to be with you forever - the Spirit of Truth.

The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him.

But you know him,

for he lives with you and will be (and is) in you.

John 14: 16-17

I don't know how to take that in. I cannot wrap my mind around this. The God of the Universe lives in me. The verse "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13) sticks so much harder now.

He is jealous for me - Deuteronomy 4:24

He will fight for me - Exodous 14:14

I want to be more thankful for this. I want to be more aware of this. I want to do something with this.

With Everything

Colossians 3: 23-24
Wheatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as
working for the Lord, not for men, since you
know that you will receive an inheritance from
the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you
are serving.

So, I'm about to start my spring semester. One, this is supposed to be my last semester. Two, I just changed my major. This = :/ or :] or both. Well, this is how my mind goes about dealing with this. I should be graduating and I'm not! This freaks me out. I changed my major for a reason though - a deep, heart aching reason.

I feel and know Spanish and photography are passions God has placed in me for a very special purpose. And I desire, with an aching heart, to please God through obedience to this passion. But, I'm not graduating. I'm not on the plan people expected from me - that I expected from myself. I'm not a people pleaser but I dislike dissapointing people. That's not the same thing, right?

wrong.

Colossians 3:23-24 Rachael!
Do everything... everything, everything, everything, with your whole heart and make it pleasing to the Lord. not people... the Lord.

My passions are my purpose - what my heart beats for.

I pray this semester is different.
I pray for God-led passion, not self-led passion.
I pray to work with all my heart.

Mindful

Psalm 119: 91-93 & 96

Your laws endure to this day,

for all things serve you.

If your law had not been my delight,

I would have perished in my affliction.

I will never forget your precepts,

for by them you have preserved my life.

To all perfection I see a limit;

but your commands are boundless.

Psalm 119:71

It was good for me to be afflicted

so that I might learn your decrees.

1 Corinthians 10:13

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful: he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

All of these verses, inculding the chapters I have read in Exodus this past week, have spoken to me in wonderful ways. They have all made me very mindful of God. I love it when I get lost in my thoughts. This happens all the time when I'm driving. Sometimes my thoughts get so wrapped up around God and who He is and what He means to me that I get really emotional. And in those moments I become so grateful because I know God saw them coming and He knew how I would respond and He knew how special they would be to me.

I've only become grateful and thankful for things like this because of every event in my life. I see so much beauty in this world because I have experienced pain. And I accept pain because I know its only brought strength to my faith in God.

I feel like my ideas of my own life have changed so much in the past month and it scares me. A wonderful relationship I was in ended, I changed my major (my 4th year of college), and my passions really are consuming my life (finally!) My heart is falling in love with so many things right now and its so wonderful to be crazy in love with Jesus.

If you haven't, check out this awesome band, Ornan's Floor. Here's a link to listen to my favorite song of theirs right now. www.youtube.com/watch?v=odE7Fv7ljWY

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

(he still loves me.... haha :) )

Beautiful

So, for the past 50 days I read Genesis (and 50 Psalms). It lasted 50 days because Genesis is 50 chapters. I've been a Christian since I was 13 and I'm 22 now. This was my first time to ever read all of Genesis. My feelings about this are indifferent. I've ask myself "Why did I wait so long?" But obviously reading this now is when God wanted me to read it and I learned a lot from it.

There are so many amazing people in this book of the bible, and they too, are not perfect people. They were infected with sin as much as me and God still used them to do amazing things. These were the very first people of the world! You'd think they would want to make the best first impression on the world, on their great great greatest grandchildren, but nope. Human, thats what they were - what we are - and that makes all of us weak to our own wants.

I think my favorite story is about Joseph. He was arrogant, yes, but God used Him in very powerful ways. I cant imagine my own sibling selling me! Joseph was being a little stinker, but being sold as your punishment! Yikes! And Joseph had to be so patient during all of this. He was in prison for so long and he didn't do anything to be placed there. AND when he had his chance to get out he was forgotten about. He didn't feel very lucky, but Joesph was so faithful in God. And God recognized this in Joseph. It surprised me that Joseph didn't say anything to anyone about what happened to him - he never ratted out his brothers, even when they met again and needed his help more than air. Joseph knew God always has a plan. Joseph's role was to be patient and faithful.

I'm very encouraged by Joseph's testimony. I'm realizing I can only handle the things God is doing in my life one day at a time and even while doing this one day at a time, its hard to be patient and faithful. But, its a ton easier compared to worrying about my future.

I'm moving on to Exodus. I'll let you know how that goes.

My best friend and I are reading the book "Boundaries in Dating" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Male authors, huh? Thats what I'm thinking, but the content looks great, especially during this time in my life. I'm looking forward to learning from this book, God's word, and my best friend. I'm looking for some answers in this area and I'm excited about what I will learn.

I would love it if those of you that do read this would pray for my sister Sara this week. She is going to have surgery on Thursday the 17th and we are all really excited for her. Sara has had epilepsy since she was 12 - she's 23 now. Most of the memories I have of my sister revolve around her having epilepsy the past 10 years and I'm excited to make some new ones with her without epilepsy consuming so much of her. The procedure she will have is called VNS thearpy. Look it up if you'd like some extra info about it.

This is beautiful. This is a door that's opening for my sister and for God. Its so special too when I think about how God planned this day specially for her.

Pray the date would not change, the procedure would go well, and Sara will have a smooth recovery and adjustment to her new life. She's going to have some control of her life and this is something she hasn't had in a long time.

Change

It's everywhere in my life right now.
Today I asked God why the things in my life were happening and He brought me back to the moment when I found out how much I wanted and needed Him more than anything else. This moment was when I chose to place Him as Lord and Savior of my life. When I realized how everlasting and withstanding His love is over anything and everything else.
And, well, I'm taking that as my answer from God. I know I need God more than anything else in the world, but have I made God feel that way? Does He really feel like He's the most important thing by what my life reflects? When I ask myself that, I know I've done a terrible job.
But why the wonderful relationship and the healing it brought me from the terrible past relationship I was in? "Exactly, Rachael. You needed something wonderful to remind you of what I can do. And that I Am the only one who can bring you healing." That's the response I hear from God. Does this mean the road I'm on right now is going to be wonderful and easy from here on out? I don't think so, not if I do it on my own.
I read the book Dear John recently although it probably wasn't the greatest choice at the time. Savannah and John meet and fall in love in 2 weeks. Not just summer love, but a love that lasts in their hearts forever.But he's in the army and has to leave. And then leave again. After reading this book I became scared (and still am a little) that I would end up like Savannah. She tried to replace John by marrying someone other than him, but for the rest of her life she gives a small dose of the love she has to give to her husband but still gives so much more to John in her thoughts, in her soul.
But after much deliberation with myself, I realized that, once again, I was placing the image I have of the God of the Universe in the palm of my hand and He does not belong there... and He can't fit.
I love my best friend Brittney for this, and many more, reasons. She thinks like me. She worries like me. She's quiet like me. She doubts like me. We are constantly reminding each other to stop thinking or to stop placing God in a box. But we've both been burned in the past (not an excuse, but a statement that has left scars, which, have only made us stronger) and it has become the norm for the both of us. She has been such a positive and powerful force in my life because she will not let me settle. She will not let me sit around and wait for something to be fixed when God is waiting on me to listen to Him. Sometimes I've had the urge to just scream "but you dont understand!" but I won't. She understands.
This change I'm experiecing is taking some getting used to, but, at the same time, this is the change I needed. And, if this is the reason he came into my life, to show me how much I need God and how God's healing was the purpose of him, I'll [become] ok with that. I'm accepting it right now.

Day one of acceptance: check.

























Annabelle likes to help me do my homework...

Captivating

Well, I've finally picked up the book Captivating and I am enjoying it immensely. I can honestly tell you everything I've read has spoken to my heart in a special way and I haven't even started to read the chapter about God's healing. All I've read and have come to understand is the painful realization that I have been wounded, scarred, and chosen by satan to be constantly reminded of how worthless and sorry I am. Sounds pretty sucky so far, huh? It's been a breath of fresh air for my spirit.

I'd never thought these things through all the way. Things like how my character and personality are so easily molded just because I am a woman that satan so easily takes advantage of. I am gullible. I have felt lonely and still do have lonely days where satan has rubbed it in that I'm alone. I've had days where I do not feel beautiful, wanted, loved, valuable. I've had days where I've just felt shame. I felt as if these feelings were just a stage of my life that would pass once I got married and have a family of my own. Having those things would take away all the doubt I had in myself because those things would always make me feel complete/accomplished. I was wrong. These feelings are feelings I'll deal with for the rest of my life but Jesus always brings good news. He is the good news.

He, like me, wants to be loved, feel beautiful, wanted, valuable. He knows He is but there is so much more meaning when His creation says it to Him. This I never noticed: this great characteristic and desire of God in me. This realization makes satan so less powerful. Realizing God's gift in placing part of Himself in me gives off this "closer to God" feeling to me. To the point where I know satan can have no power over me - he can make me feel alone but there is no such thing as loneliness in my relationship with God. This my friends feels good. This puts a smile on my face and encourages me beyond belief. The friends and family I have will be there to say I'm here for you, we love you - but they will never know how much I need. How much I need to feel that everyday and experience. I realize that can be humanly impossible, which is fine since I now get this whole intimacy with God thing.

Oh intimacy -- you have been so dear to my heart lately. I've never felt intimacy with God like this before and it is lovely. Surrendering it all (and I mean it all - I haven't worried about anything in the past 2 days! This is huge for me. I'm the ultimate worrier) to the Lord to handle and realizing God has placed Himself in my heart/mind/soul in such a special and unique way so that I could only understand it is so intimate to me. I'm loving it and almost glutinous about it. Haha.

If you haven't felt important or special lately (to the ladies), I will leave you a taste of how Stasi and John point out God's unique love for you:

"It is nearing the end of the sixth day, the end of the Creator's great labor, as Adam steps forth, the image of God, the triumph of his work. He alone is pronounced the son of God. Nothing in creation even comes close. Picture Michelangelo's David. He is ... magnificent. Truly, the masterpiece seems complete. And yet, the Master says that something is not good, not right. Something is missing ... and that something is Eve."

"And the Lord God cast a deep slumber on the human, and he slept, and He took one of his ribs and closed over the flesh where it had been, and the Lord God built the rib he had taken from the human into a woman an He brought her to the human." Gen. 2:21-23 Alter.

She is the crescendo, the final, astonishing work of God. Woman. In one last flourish creation comes to a finish not with Adam, but with Eve. She is the Master's finishing touch. How we wish this were an illustrated book, and we could show you now some painting or sculpture that captures this. Like the stunning Greek sculpture of the goddess Nike or Samothrace, the winged beauty, just alighting on the prow of a great ship, her beautiful form revealed through the thin veils that sweep around her. Eve is ... breathtaking.

Given the way Creation unfolds, how it builds to ever higher and higher works of art, can there be any doubt that Eve is the crown of creation? Not an afterthought. Not a nice addition like an ornament on a tree. She is God's final touch, his piece de resistance. She fills a place in the world nothing and no one else can fill. Step to a window ladies, if you can. Better still, find some place with a view. Look out across the earth and say to yourselves, "The whole, vast world is incomplete without me. Creation reached its zenith in me."

I Want to be Chased

I want to be chased by all the right things. I feel I've been the chaser my whole life and now I want to be the chaseie. I don't want to go into tons of detail about this subject, but that's what's on my mind. I just know that God chases after me everyday and that makes me feel so loved and wanted. That might be every girls dream: to be chased. To have someone that never wants to loose sight of you. Someone that adores you. I know how to love, and I have loved. I'm built on love, by love, and for love. I love that God has made love a huge part of me. I have a big heart that cares a lot about a lot of things. I think it all started when I was younger and I wanted every stray pet I saw. Not just to have a cat, but to love it. All I wanted to do was pet it and give it a warm place to stay. I wrote this down one day: Everyone should know love. It's not something you have to earn or deserve. It's something you should know. It should be given out not bargained for. Love has no limits. I believe that, so much. That's why I love the way I do. No limits, no boundaries, no exceptions or expectations. That's how I want to be loved, how I want to be chased.

Here are some pics I took on my hike with Lisa.

Strength and honor are her clothing; she shall rejoice in the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness. She watches over the ways of her household, and does no eat the bread of idleness.

Proverbs 31:25-27

His Encouragement

I read this the other day and it honestly brought peace to my spirit. I've been battling with what my emotions want me to do and what my spirit wants me to do. I've had days where I chose to be angry and I know they didn't do me much good. I feel they made things worse. But going home was so good for me. I love my family so much and it was hard to leave this time. It might have been harder this time than any other time. I know how blessed I am to have them and it buma me out that certain things had to hurt them too before I wanted to hug them tighter.

Psalm 36-37

1 An oracle is within my heart concerning the sinfulness of the wicked: There is no fear of God before his eyes. 2 For in his own eyes he flatters himself too much to detect or hate his sin. 3 The words of his mouth are wicked and deceitful; he has ceased to be wise and to do good. 4 Even on his bed he plots evil; he commits himself to a sinful course and does not reject what is wrong. 5 Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. 6 Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your justice like the great deep. O LORD, you preserve both man and beast. 7 How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings. 8 They feast on the abundance of your house; you give them drink from your river of delights. 9 For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light. 10 Continue your love to those who know you, your righteousness to the upright in heart. 11 May the foot of the proud not come against me, nor the hand of the wicked drive me away. 12 See how the evildoers lie fallen— thrown down, not able to rise!

1 Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong; 2 for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away. 3 Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. 4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. 5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: 6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. 8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. 9 For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land. 10 A little while, and the wicked will be no more; though you look for them, they will not be found. 11 But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy great peace. 12 The wicked plot against the righteous and gnash their teeth at them; 13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked, for he knows their day is coming. 14 The wicked draw the sword and bend the bow to bring down the poor and needy, to slay those whose ways are upright. 15 But their swords will pierce their own hearts, and their bows will be broken. 16 Better the little that the righteous have than the wealth of many wicked; 17 for the power of the wicked will be broken, but the LORD upholds the righteous. 18 The days of the blameless are known to the LORD, and their inheritance will endure forever. 19 In times of disaster they will not wither; in days of famine they will enjoy plenty. 20 But the wicked will perish: The LORD's enemies will be like the beauty of the fields, they will vanish—vanish like smoke. 21 The wicked borrow and do not repay, but the righteous give generously; 22 those the LORD blesses will inherit the land, but those he curses will be cut off. 23 If the LORD delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm; 24 though he stumble, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand. 25 I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread. 26 They are always generous and lend freely; their children will be blessed. 27 Turn from evil and do good; then you will dwell in the land forever. 28 For the LORD loves the just and will not forsake his faithful ones. They will be protected forever, but the offspring of the wicked will be cut off; 29 the righteous will inherit the land and dwell in it forever. 30 The mouth of the righteous man utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks what is just. 31 The law of his God is in his heart; his feet do not slip. 32 The wicked lie in wait for the righteous, seeking their very lives; 33 but the LORD will not leave them in their power or let them be condemned when brought to trial. 34 Wait for the LORD and keep his way. He will exalt you to inherit the land; when the wicked are cut off, you will see it. 35 I have seen a wicked and ruthless man flourishing like a green tree in its native soil, 36 but he soon passed away and was no more; though I looked for him, he could not be found. 37 Consider the blameless, observe the upright; there is a future for the man of peace. 38 But all sinners will be destroyed; the future of the wicked will be cut off. 39 The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD; he is their stronghold in time of trouble. 40 The LORD helps them and delivers them; he delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in him.

there is beauty in the breakdown

My heart hurts

It hurts so badly. Yesterday was terrible. I lost something I love forever. It's gone. Forever. I know I wont be able to say goodbye to it for a long time though, and that hurts more. I never wanted to know this kind of pain and I never thought I would have to experince it. I thought I was smarter than that. I thought this only happened to girls who didn't know what they were getting into. But I knew. I knew this was going to be good, and it was for 2 years. The last month though, it didn't mean anything. I tried for nothing. I loved and wasn't loved back. I can't wrap my mind around it. My heart beats so fast, my body get so warm with frustration and heartbreak, and my hands tremble.

I ran away, I cried, I screamed why. I still don't know how this all happened. What made him love me less because of her?

I'll add another scar. The one thing I can smile a little about is that I know my scars have made me stronger. I'm going to keep praying for strength like Peter.

Dawn is Approaching.

It's one in the morning. Shane has fallen fast to sleep already and I cant seem to get my mind to slow down enough to join him. Lucky dog.

The past week has been full of new things. Things to reflect on mainly. I've learned I'm starving for God. I haven't thought that recently and thinking it now makes me sad I wasn't in the past. I've lost something good in my life in the past week. Losing that made me realize how hungry I am to seek the Lord more. A friend told me something cliche, but I took him seriously: "Let Jesus be your boyfriend." Like he said, very cliche, but He's really the only person I want to be in a relationship with right now. We have lots of catching up to do. I've missed God and it hurts my heart everytime I admit it. It hurts more when I tell Him.
Have you ever realized how important something is to you right before you loose it? Ugh, it stinks. It stinks to know you almost let that something slip away completely. But now that you've realized it you hold onto it tighter than you have before. You crave that something right before you go to bed and wake up craving it in the morning. That's me and Jesus right now. Man, I've missed that feeling. I've had feelings like this, but with people. Having it with Jesus is such a better feeling. It makes me want to fall asleep faster so I can wake up sooner. Obviously that's not happening right now since I'm doing this... haha. But I do miss Jesus right now. Saying that made me smile. :)

I was walking Shane the other day and I noticed this tree and it had lost all of its leafs. I thought to myself, "this tree had leafs like three days ago! how'd they go so fast?" Then I realized everything goes so fast. I took a deep breath, exhaled, and continued to walk Shane. I do this everytime I see this tree.

My advice for the moment: have moments of quiet with yourself often. They're wonderful. I hadn't had one in forever it seemed like, but taking one the other night was so refreshing. Refreshing is a good word.

I am being refreshed. Deep breath, exhale, sleep.

Finally

I finally got my laptop! Ok, so I've had it for a while, it's just taken some time to sit down get back to this. I've missed it. There were times where I desperately needed to write so I broke out the old pen and paper. It's nice to have my own again.

My Fall semester has begun. I'm 3 weeks into it and I've enjoyed it more than past semesters. I'm now digging in to the classes for my major. This means I get to think, act, and talk like a child all day. Well, not literally, but in a couple of classes. Taking these classes makes me eager to get my carreer started. I need to be careful with this though because sometimes my desire to start my carreer becomes more important than other things and I lose sight of what's right in front of me. Atleast I know teaching is one of the desires of my heart.

I thought about this on Sunday at church - the desires of my heart. I've been told the Lord knows the desires of our hearts and if those desires are willed to us they will eventually happen. I thought about my desires and I'm so thankful the Lord knows them and has special days planned when he is going to bless me with them. God knows I love children. God knows I love the Spanish language. God knows I want a family of my own one day. God knows who I want my husband to be. And to know that He is the provider of my happiness, the one who will provide the happiness when the desires of my heart are fufilled , is so reassuring. I'm thankful He shows me love and mercy and kindness and justice and compassion. I'm thankful for the hard lessons I have learned and the young woman I have become because of them. I'm thankful for the rough summer he gave me. I'm thankful He assured me I had more experiences and growing up to do.

Remember what I said earlier this summer about growing up - I definitely did. It's a litte noticeable especially if you knew me in high school. I was easily walked on a made the middle man of many situations during that time. It was easy because I was stuck with the idea of my opinion not mattering. I've learned I do matter and I can make my own decisions without asking for approval. This is a big deal to me. I've never been that person. I've always just let things happen because I was too afraid to hurt anyones feelings. Not that I want to hurt feelings now, I'm very cautious of what I say (I was reminded the Fruits of the Spirit should still apply), I'm just not afraid to say it.

I'm proud of myself! I think it's surprised some people, but this is me! I'm not so easy anymore. I'm complicated. Well, maybe I'm a little less complicated because I don't expect people to be able to read my mind, but I can make things complicated because I know I matter. It's so nice to say that - I matter. I do. I'm important. I'm here for a reason - cliche - but it's so true. In the words of Flight of the Conchords, "It's business time."

I've been encouraged and challenged by theses words this past week; "If anyone loves me he will obey my teaching. The Father will love him and we will come to him and make our home with him. He who does not love me does not obey my teaching. The words you hear are not my own, they come from the Father who sent me." John 14:23-24

Sometimes I forget how much I need to love God's word. It's important. I'm not totally fascinated with reading so I guess it's a challenge for me to sit down and read for 3o minutes. My excuse is lame, but arent excuses supposed to be? I should stop having them then. I'm being challenged right now to love God's word and it's really starting to help.

Live from San Marcos

Apartment living: so far so good. I'm enjoying the freedom and the space. I dont feel very independent though; I still rely on my family for lots of help. I think I always will though. I've thought about this before, so it doesn't frighten me too much. I know I'll always call my mom or dad if my I'm sick or if I'm having a hard time financially or physically. It's nice to depend on them but I hope I dont always have to. I hope to really, truly, grow up one day. I think I grew up fast when I was in high school but now, I've slowed down a bit. I see my older sister Barbara and her husband and they are grown ups. Maybe being married/being your own family helps you grow up more. I think once I start my career I'll feel a lot more grown up. Heck, maybe it will happen this year when I turn 21, who knows.

I start summer school on monday, that should make my days feel a little fuller.

I got a doggy... well Ryan and I did. haha. He's great. His name is Shane and we got him from the Paws Animal Shelter in Kyle. He's sleeping by my bed as I type. He'll sleep on the bed when he feels like it; he's strong willed, says Ryan. He's a 1 year old border terrior hound dog mix and I'm pretty sure he might have some other stuff in him.

He likes to cuddle and he's really nosey. He'll put everything in his mouth just to see what it taste like. He's only gotten a hold of one of my flip flops and the blinds in the living room. For some reason he likes to drink fish bowl water too. AND he's potty trained... the perfect dog. haha.

I think I'm kinda finding out who I really want to be this summer (not just for the summer, but who I am period). I'm away from home and I spend a lot of time thinking and hanging out with girls my own age and I'm spending a lot of time with Ryan. I hope to find out by the end of the summer. I've also had quite a bit of time by the pool so that's been nice too. hmmmm

Summer read I reccomend: Jesus for President by Shane Caliborne and Chris Haw. The title is, I guess, intense, but the book itself, not so much. I know it's an election year, blah blah blah, and we do have quite a bit of control over that, but really, as this book goes on to say, if you do believe in God than you should want God to be your president, not a man or woman that lives in a big white house. I dont know what else to say, Im bad at explaining it, but the book gives a recap of all the kings the world has had and the effect they have had on the people and visa versa as well as how, in the end, God assures the people that he is in control. It's reassuring, so far. I'm only like 50 pages into it so maybe I'm just a little biased. haha.

I hope you're all having a great summer so far and lets try really hard to prevent fires. that was random but they've been on my mind lately.

p.s.

It's May!

I'm excited about it too. Sophomore year is out the door and Junior years is walking in. This semester was wondeful. I'd been excited since the spring semester of my Freshmen year. New people, new friendships, strengthening continued ones, and rekindleing past ones. I'm still just as excited for the fall to get here.

Spring has gone by so quickly but I am ready for summer to start. I have a feeling I'm going to grow up a little more this summer. I'm going to be in an apartment for the first time! I'm a little nervous, but a ton more excited and anxious. I love my roommate, Emily, to death and I'm so excited to spend all kinds of quality time together with her. I'm gonna love Jen too, how could I not? It's going to be a blast, and everyone is welcome to come over and spend the night with me. I'll share my bed... unless you're a boy - you can have the couch... in the living room. I plan to go visit my Dad and the rest of my family that is in Louisiana this summer too. I miss them, all of them, a whole bunch. It'll be nice to be in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of farm animals... i love animals.

I want to adopt an animal - a puppy named Nellie to be exact. I think she's waiting for me at the Kyle Animal Shelter. (that's her)

I think the Lord has blessed me with the ability to love - to love more than I thought I could. If you've seen me with animals, you might've gotten a glimpse of this. I used to share my twin size bed with my dog Isabelle (she's a doberman pinscher... a big one too). That's why I've gotten into the habit of sleeping up against the wall, even when there isnt a 70 pound dog in my bed. haha. I love to love. I love to make people feel better. I love to bring a smile to a sad childs face. To help bring back the hope they once had in the world, into their eyes.

I like this verse. It helps me understand what the Lord has blessed me with.

The LORD will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the LORD. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing. Isaiah 51:3

It brings me hope. I'm hurt pretty easily, I'd even call myself a big baby, but the Lord loves me in all that, and he will bring sunshine back into my cloudy day. I'm thankful for that.

A Friendship in Need

I miss being a kid. I miss getting away with skipping without the awkward looks that tend to come with it now. I had a rough day today. I've had about 5 or 6 moments where I wanted to fall to the floor and have a tantrum. If I were this little girl, I'd totally get away with it; but I'm not. It's all because of silly school too. I know that if I didn't have to take the same classes over again that I took in elementary school I'd be so excited about school. I love my major, and I'm really excited about becoming a bilingual teacher, but that wait and the frustration makes me think it's not worth it. But it is- it totally is! I think. argh.


"I thank my God always when I remember you in my prayers, because I hear of your love and of the faith that you have toward the Lord Jesus and all the saints, and I pray that the sharing of your faith may become effective for the full knowledge of every good thing that is in us for the sake of Christ. For I have derived much joy and comfort from your love, my brother, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you."
Philemon: 4-7

Paul is such a nice guy and in the past couple weeks I've been reminded that I need to be a nice guy too. When I read these verses for about the 5th time I was finally able to realize that this, Paul, is the kind of friend I need to be.
At Believe weekend all we talked about was putting others first. Then I read Philemon and see how Paul, who is in prison at the time, sheds love and encouragement all over his friend. Tonight at Metro we talked about making relationships with people; real authentic relationships. I stink at relationships! I'm scared of them, mainly because I'm afraid of being hurt, used or forgotten. I've been fearful of relationships ever since my parents got divorced. I just cant trust people easily. I want to, and because of God's consistent reminder of this, I'm going to pursue this friendship thing. I'm going to get rid of the word aquaintance. I'm still terrified though. Inside I want to break down and give up and tell myself that I had a good run but it's time to go back to the couch and think of another way to have real relationships with people, but I know that's not how God wants things at all. He wants me to love like He loves. To share like He shared when He was on this earth. Paul wanted Philemon's testimony to become effective and God wants the same thing for me too. In order for that to happen... I'll need to step it up.

... Like our saying goes at the BSM... "OWN IT"

Everything is debatable

A new year full of new things. I'm excited. I think. Well, I am. It's helped to think positively about this year since it started off incredibly. I was blessed to spend as much time with Ryan as I did and meet a side of his family that I'd never met before. I took my first flight (I know, I'm 20 and I had never flown before), saw real snow (not the texas kind), stood on top of a mountain and ski on the same one too. It was wonderful. (I'll post pics later today) I want to do it all over again but somewhere else. Like Colorado or somewhere tropical. I would love to travel and take pictures and at the end of the day drink tea as I watch the sunset. I wouldnt want to do any of those things alone though. That would be a dream of mine come true. I know it's possible to have that dream come true which is even more exciting.

Slowly but surely I'm realizing my vote is important. It's an election year, which I dont enjoy, so that means it's time to vote. I've looked into Obama, Huckabee, and Ron Paul. Random funny note - I was talking to my mom a little bit about the elections and I metioned Obama and all she had to say was "you know what his real first name is right?" and I told her "yes, it's osama and you cant hold that against him becasue he really had no say in choosing his own name." That ended the conversation rather quickly.
I think its ridiculous how people can zone in on something so little like that to make people alter their opinion on the candidates. I've decided that I'm not going to tell anyone on who I vote for. Too much controversy comes out of it.

I head back to school in about a week. I'm ready. I love being in San Marcos. I love being in college. I love the people that I am surrounded by when I'm down there. I'm not sure about the summer though. I would love to stay down there and take summer classes but I need to see if I can afford it. I'm crossing my fingers and praying that I can. I'm ready to start a life of my own and I think a necessity for that is to have my own place.

It's finally Winter Break

I'm glad it's here. I really needed a break from school.

I feel like I prepared too much for my finals. I know that sounds rediculous but after nights of staying up til 4 am and then waking up the next morning throwing up because my nerves and lack of sleep got the best of me proves that I tried to hard. I stayed up late every single night before I had a final. I would get in bed at 2:30 or 3 but I would think and think and think about everything that could go wrong. Everytime I did this I made sure to remind myself that God had control of my college education and if He wanted me to get a B He would make it happen. I didn't trust Him enough. I still would toss and turn and shed tears before I finally let myself fall asleep.

I got the grades I wanted. I'm staying at Texas State. I know that's where God wants me to be. I know it is. But why couldn't I just believe that and let God put me to sleep all of those restless nights? I wanted Him to, I really did but I couldn't look past myself.

I've struggled with trust for the longest time and I still do today. I distrust God the most. I want that to change. I've taken step after step in order to make that happen but satan steps in and something goes wrong with my family or with myself and I loose my focus. I'm the worst at gettting distracted too. Even when I pray.

I was able to focus so hard on my school work and remember all that I needed to and apply it. I've learned so much about who God really is and what He thinks about me, but I fail at applying it.

Maybe I need to take a "How to be more dependent on God" class. I'm willing to take it from anyone that knows how.

Hypocracy

I don't like it when people are hypocrites. It's a huge turn off to me and it usually makes me think less of a person sometimes. I have a hard time respecting Christians that are hypocrites. It's not ok. Do you not understand that?

Sorry, I've just been around a couple of people like this lately and it's driving me bonkers. It bothers me more because I know they are doing what they are doing for attention - attention from the world. Why crave that? I already know the answer to that. I've had to answer it for myself a couple times. What also bothers me is that these people come to me and tell me the hardtimes that they are going through and how much they know they need to seek God in order for things to be ok, but no, instead they turn to the world for help, and it hurts my feelings. Not only my feelings, but the Lord's.

Ugh, I'm sick of this stuff. I'm ready for the Christians of this world to grow up. You have a responsibility that God has blessed you with. Stop waisting God's time and do something that will bring glory to Him, not yourself.

the first post

So, it's my first post/blog in a really long time. The last time that I had one of these was in 6th grade, which would be when Xanga was popular. So, yes, it has been a long time considering im 20 now. (Saying that I'm 20 is a new thing for me since it's about the 5th time I've said it since I turned 20. haha)

I'm the kind of girl that's better at expressing her feeling by writing this down, so this should go well.

At the moment I'm listening to the song Mighty to Save by Hillsong and it only makes my heart beat faster for the Lord. We sang it at the BSM last Wednesday and I just about broke down. The song just goes on and on about how our Savior, our God, conquered the grave and how He is the author of salvation. Then it's as if the last part is a prayer, my prayer, for the world. It says "shine your light out and let the whole world, we're singing for the glory of a risen King" Ugh, my heart beats those words. I want Christ to shine His light through me so the whole world can sing for Him and His glory. I want His mercy to fall all over the world and on me.

I wish that everyone could experience the love of Jesus once in their life, like one really amazing time of worship where the Holy Spirit convicts them and God pours His love all over them, and see if they would turn back to a life without Him. I know that when I look at my life with and without Jesus there's a great difference.

I know that Jesus died and rose from the grave for me because of the effect the Holy Spirit has on me. and the faith that I have in Christ. If I were not a Christian I could go the the BSM and sing the songs we sing and there would be no meaning. But I am a Christian and when I do sing - more than just sing - completely comprehend what the lyrics mean, I cant help but give God praise for all he has done. It's like when you listen to a favorite song or some song that reminds you about a family member or friend, your mind recalls all of the amazing times that y'all have had together and it makes you happy or sad or compells you to do something. That's what worship is for me. That's what this song does for me. I am reminded about how awesome the God I serve is and all I can do is rejoice and pray for God to pour out His love for this world.

Sorry I've rambled about this song but it's amazing - God is amazing. I only see Him through this song. I have such big hopes and dreams and wishes that I tell God about and hearing this song makes me realize how possible they are through Him. My Savior can move the mountains!!! and He is mighty to save!!!!! and he conquered the grave!!!!

That's what God is teaching me right now - to be in awe of Him and not to doubt Him.