Stuck

I've been wanting to write for this thing for a while but my thoughts wont settle down to make sense of what the world has been like around me. My journal entries for the past week have been about 6 pages long, but then I get on here and I'm silent. I've wanted my words to breathe on here. I've wanted the reader and myself to look back and have this long exhale after we're done reading. And while exhaling we both think together, "Gosh, God is so good." From brain to pen to paper I can do this. But here, I'm just stuck.

I'm learning so much right now about myself and the amazing God I am blessed to know and serve. He is moving. His Spirit dwells in me and it is moving. He is stirring my emotions, creating new romances, building new lives in His name and for His glory. He is alive and He lives in me.

And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor

to be with you forever - the Spirit of Truth.

The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him.

But you know him,

for he lives with you and will be (and is) in you.

John 14: 16-17

I don't know how to take that in. I cannot wrap my mind around this. The God of the Universe lives in me. The verse "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13) sticks so much harder now.

He is jealous for me - Deuteronomy 4:24

He will fight for me - Exodous 14:14

I want to be more thankful for this. I want to be more aware of this. I want to do something with this.

With Everything

Colossians 3: 23-24
Wheatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as
working for the Lord, not for men, since you
know that you will receive an inheritance from
the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you
are serving.

So, I'm about to start my spring semester. One, this is supposed to be my last semester. Two, I just changed my major. This = :/ or :] or both. Well, this is how my mind goes about dealing with this. I should be graduating and I'm not! This freaks me out. I changed my major for a reason though - a deep, heart aching reason.

I feel and know Spanish and photography are passions God has placed in me for a very special purpose. And I desire, with an aching heart, to please God through obedience to this passion. But, I'm not graduating. I'm not on the plan people expected from me - that I expected from myself. I'm not a people pleaser but I dislike dissapointing people. That's not the same thing, right?

wrong.

Colossians 3:23-24 Rachael!
Do everything... everything, everything, everything, with your whole heart and make it pleasing to the Lord. not people... the Lord.

My passions are my purpose - what my heart beats for.

I pray this semester is different.
I pray for God-led passion, not self-led passion.
I pray to work with all my heart.

Mindful

Psalm 119: 91-93 & 96

Your laws endure to this day,

for all things serve you.

If your law had not been my delight,

I would have perished in my affliction.

I will never forget your precepts,

for by them you have preserved my life.

To all perfection I see a limit;

but your commands are boundless.

Psalm 119:71

It was good for me to be afflicted

so that I might learn your decrees.

1 Corinthians 10:13

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful: he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

All of these verses, inculding the chapters I have read in Exodus this past week, have spoken to me in wonderful ways. They have all made me very mindful of God. I love it when I get lost in my thoughts. This happens all the time when I'm driving. Sometimes my thoughts get so wrapped up around God and who He is and what He means to me that I get really emotional. And in those moments I become so grateful because I know God saw them coming and He knew how I would respond and He knew how special they would be to me.

I've only become grateful and thankful for things like this because of every event in my life. I see so much beauty in this world because I have experienced pain. And I accept pain because I know its only brought strength to my faith in God.

I feel like my ideas of my own life have changed so much in the past month and it scares me. A wonderful relationship I was in ended, I changed my major (my 4th year of college), and my passions really are consuming my life (finally!) My heart is falling in love with so many things right now and its so wonderful to be crazy in love with Jesus.

If you haven't, check out this awesome band, Ornan's Floor. Here's a link to listen to my favorite song of theirs right now. www.youtube.com/watch?v=odE7Fv7ljWY

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

(he still loves me.... haha :) )

Beautiful

So, for the past 50 days I read Genesis (and 50 Psalms). It lasted 50 days because Genesis is 50 chapters. I've been a Christian since I was 13 and I'm 22 now. This was my first time to ever read all of Genesis. My feelings about this are indifferent. I've ask myself "Why did I wait so long?" But obviously reading this now is when God wanted me to read it and I learned a lot from it.

There are so many amazing people in this book of the bible, and they too, are not perfect people. They were infected with sin as much as me and God still used them to do amazing things. These were the very first people of the world! You'd think they would want to make the best first impression on the world, on their great great greatest grandchildren, but nope. Human, thats what they were - what we are - and that makes all of us weak to our own wants.

I think my favorite story is about Joseph. He was arrogant, yes, but God used Him in very powerful ways. I cant imagine my own sibling selling me! Joseph was being a little stinker, but being sold as your punishment! Yikes! And Joseph had to be so patient during all of this. He was in prison for so long and he didn't do anything to be placed there. AND when he had his chance to get out he was forgotten about. He didn't feel very lucky, but Joesph was so faithful in God. And God recognized this in Joseph. It surprised me that Joseph didn't say anything to anyone about what happened to him - he never ratted out his brothers, even when they met again and needed his help more than air. Joseph knew God always has a plan. Joseph's role was to be patient and faithful.

I'm very encouraged by Joseph's testimony. I'm realizing I can only handle the things God is doing in my life one day at a time and even while doing this one day at a time, its hard to be patient and faithful. But, its a ton easier compared to worrying about my future.

I'm moving on to Exodus. I'll let you know how that goes.

My best friend and I are reading the book "Boundaries in Dating" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Male authors, huh? Thats what I'm thinking, but the content looks great, especially during this time in my life. I'm looking forward to learning from this book, God's word, and my best friend. I'm looking for some answers in this area and I'm excited about what I will learn.

I would love it if those of you that do read this would pray for my sister Sara this week. She is going to have surgery on Thursday the 17th and we are all really excited for her. Sara has had epilepsy since she was 12 - she's 23 now. Most of the memories I have of my sister revolve around her having epilepsy the past 10 years and I'm excited to make some new ones with her without epilepsy consuming so much of her. The procedure she will have is called VNS thearpy. Look it up if you'd like some extra info about it.

This is beautiful. This is a door that's opening for my sister and for God. Its so special too when I think about how God planned this day specially for her.

Pray the date would not change, the procedure would go well, and Sara will have a smooth recovery and adjustment to her new life. She's going to have some control of her life and this is something she hasn't had in a long time.

Change

It's everywhere in my life right now.
Today I asked God why the things in my life were happening and He brought me back to the moment when I found out how much I wanted and needed Him more than anything else. This moment was when I chose to place Him as Lord and Savior of my life. When I realized how everlasting and withstanding His love is over anything and everything else.
And, well, I'm taking that as my answer from God. I know I need God more than anything else in the world, but have I made God feel that way? Does He really feel like He's the most important thing by what my life reflects? When I ask myself that, I know I've done a terrible job.
But why the wonderful relationship and the healing it brought me from the terrible past relationship I was in? "Exactly, Rachael. You needed something wonderful to remind you of what I can do. And that I Am the only one who can bring you healing." That's the response I hear from God. Does this mean the road I'm on right now is going to be wonderful and easy from here on out? I don't think so, not if I do it on my own.
I read the book Dear John recently although it probably wasn't the greatest choice at the time. Savannah and John meet and fall in love in 2 weeks. Not just summer love, but a love that lasts in their hearts forever.But he's in the army and has to leave. And then leave again. After reading this book I became scared (and still am a little) that I would end up like Savannah. She tried to replace John by marrying someone other than him, but for the rest of her life she gives a small dose of the love she has to give to her husband but still gives so much more to John in her thoughts, in her soul.
But after much deliberation with myself, I realized that, once again, I was placing the image I have of the God of the Universe in the palm of my hand and He does not belong there... and He can't fit.
I love my best friend Brittney for this, and many more, reasons. She thinks like me. She worries like me. She's quiet like me. She doubts like me. We are constantly reminding each other to stop thinking or to stop placing God in a box. But we've both been burned in the past (not an excuse, but a statement that has left scars, which, have only made us stronger) and it has become the norm for the both of us. She has been such a positive and powerful force in my life because she will not let me settle. She will not let me sit around and wait for something to be fixed when God is waiting on me to listen to Him. Sometimes I've had the urge to just scream "but you dont understand!" but I won't. She understands.
This change I'm experiecing is taking some getting used to, but, at the same time, this is the change I needed. And, if this is the reason he came into my life, to show me how much I need God and how God's healing was the purpose of him, I'll [become] ok with that. I'm accepting it right now.

Day one of acceptance: check.

























Annabelle likes to help me do my homework...

Captivating

Well, I've finally picked up the book Captivating and I am enjoying it immensely. I can honestly tell you everything I've read has spoken to my heart in a special way and I haven't even started to read the chapter about God's healing. All I've read and have come to understand is the painful realization that I have been wounded, scarred, and chosen by satan to be constantly reminded of how worthless and sorry I am. Sounds pretty sucky so far, huh? It's been a breath of fresh air for my spirit.

I'd never thought these things through all the way. Things like how my character and personality are so easily molded just because I am a woman that satan so easily takes advantage of. I am gullible. I have felt lonely and still do have lonely days where satan has rubbed it in that I'm alone. I've had days where I do not feel beautiful, wanted, loved, valuable. I've had days where I've just felt shame. I felt as if these feelings were just a stage of my life that would pass once I got married and have a family of my own. Having those things would take away all the doubt I had in myself because those things would always make me feel complete/accomplished. I was wrong. These feelings are feelings I'll deal with for the rest of my life but Jesus always brings good news. He is the good news.

He, like me, wants to be loved, feel beautiful, wanted, valuable. He knows He is but there is so much more meaning when His creation says it to Him. This I never noticed: this great characteristic and desire of God in me. This realization makes satan so less powerful. Realizing God's gift in placing part of Himself in me gives off this "closer to God" feeling to me. To the point where I know satan can have no power over me - he can make me feel alone but there is no such thing as loneliness in my relationship with God. This my friends feels good. This puts a smile on my face and encourages me beyond belief. The friends and family I have will be there to say I'm here for you, we love you - but they will never know how much I need. How much I need to feel that everyday and experience. I realize that can be humanly impossible, which is fine since I now get this whole intimacy with God thing.

Oh intimacy -- you have been so dear to my heart lately. I've never felt intimacy with God like this before and it is lovely. Surrendering it all (and I mean it all - I haven't worried about anything in the past 2 days! This is huge for me. I'm the ultimate worrier) to the Lord to handle and realizing God has placed Himself in my heart/mind/soul in such a special and unique way so that I could only understand it is so intimate to me. I'm loving it and almost glutinous about it. Haha.

If you haven't felt important or special lately (to the ladies), I will leave you a taste of how Stasi and John point out God's unique love for you:

"It is nearing the end of the sixth day, the end of the Creator's great labor, as Adam steps forth, the image of God, the triumph of his work. He alone is pronounced the son of God. Nothing in creation even comes close. Picture Michelangelo's David. He is ... magnificent. Truly, the masterpiece seems complete. And yet, the Master says that something is not good, not right. Something is missing ... and that something is Eve."

"And the Lord God cast a deep slumber on the human, and he slept, and He took one of his ribs and closed over the flesh where it had been, and the Lord God built the rib he had taken from the human into a woman an He brought her to the human." Gen. 2:21-23 Alter.

She is the crescendo, the final, astonishing work of God. Woman. In one last flourish creation comes to a finish not with Adam, but with Eve. She is the Master's finishing touch. How we wish this were an illustrated book, and we could show you now some painting or sculpture that captures this. Like the stunning Greek sculpture of the goddess Nike or Samothrace, the winged beauty, just alighting on the prow of a great ship, her beautiful form revealed through the thin veils that sweep around her. Eve is ... breathtaking.

Given the way Creation unfolds, how it builds to ever higher and higher works of art, can there be any doubt that Eve is the crown of creation? Not an afterthought. Not a nice addition like an ornament on a tree. She is God's final touch, his piece de resistance. She fills a place in the world nothing and no one else can fill. Step to a window ladies, if you can. Better still, find some place with a view. Look out across the earth and say to yourselves, "The whole, vast world is incomplete without me. Creation reached its zenith in me."

I Want to be Chased

I want to be chased by all the right things. I feel I've been the chaser my whole life and now I want to be the chaseie. I don't want to go into tons of detail about this subject, but that's what's on my mind. I just know that God chases after me everyday and that makes me feel so loved and wanted. That might be every girls dream: to be chased. To have someone that never wants to loose sight of you. Someone that adores you. I know how to love, and I have loved. I'm built on love, by love, and for love. I love that God has made love a huge part of me. I have a big heart that cares a lot about a lot of things. I think it all started when I was younger and I wanted every stray pet I saw. Not just to have a cat, but to love it. All I wanted to do was pet it and give it a warm place to stay. I wrote this down one day: Everyone should know love. It's not something you have to earn or deserve. It's something you should know. It should be given out not bargained for. Love has no limits. I believe that, so much. That's why I love the way I do. No limits, no boundaries, no exceptions or expectations. That's how I want to be loved, how I want to be chased.

Here are some pics I took on my hike with Lisa.

Strength and honor are her clothing; she shall rejoice in the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness. She watches over the ways of her household, and does no eat the bread of idleness.

Proverbs 31:25-27