Mindful

Psalm 119: 91-93 & 96

Your laws endure to this day,

for all things serve you.

If your law had not been my delight,

I would have perished in my affliction.

I will never forget your precepts,

for by them you have preserved my life.

To all perfection I see a limit;

but your commands are boundless.

Psalm 119:71

It was good for me to be afflicted

so that I might learn your decrees.

1 Corinthians 10:13

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful: he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

All of these verses, inculding the chapters I have read in Exodus this past week, have spoken to me in wonderful ways. They have all made me very mindful of God. I love it when I get lost in my thoughts. This happens all the time when I'm driving. Sometimes my thoughts get so wrapped up around God and who He is and what He means to me that I get really emotional. And in those moments I become so grateful because I know God saw them coming and He knew how I would respond and He knew how special they would be to me.

I've only become grateful and thankful for things like this because of every event in my life. I see so much beauty in this world because I have experienced pain. And I accept pain because I know its only brought strength to my faith in God.

I feel like my ideas of my own life have changed so much in the past month and it scares me. A wonderful relationship I was in ended, I changed my major (my 4th year of college), and my passions really are consuming my life (finally!) My heart is falling in love with so many things right now and its so wonderful to be crazy in love with Jesus.

If you haven't, check out this awesome band, Ornan's Floor. Here's a link to listen to my favorite song of theirs right now. www.youtube.com/watch?v=odE7Fv7ljWY

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

(he still loves me.... haha :) )

Beautiful

So, for the past 50 days I read Genesis (and 50 Psalms). It lasted 50 days because Genesis is 50 chapters. I've been a Christian since I was 13 and I'm 22 now. This was my first time to ever read all of Genesis. My feelings about this are indifferent. I've ask myself "Why did I wait so long?" But obviously reading this now is when God wanted me to read it and I learned a lot from it.

There are so many amazing people in this book of the bible, and they too, are not perfect people. They were infected with sin as much as me and God still used them to do amazing things. These were the very first people of the world! You'd think they would want to make the best first impression on the world, on their great great greatest grandchildren, but nope. Human, thats what they were - what we are - and that makes all of us weak to our own wants.

I think my favorite story is about Joseph. He was arrogant, yes, but God used Him in very powerful ways. I cant imagine my own sibling selling me! Joseph was being a little stinker, but being sold as your punishment! Yikes! And Joseph had to be so patient during all of this. He was in prison for so long and he didn't do anything to be placed there. AND when he had his chance to get out he was forgotten about. He didn't feel very lucky, but Joesph was so faithful in God. And God recognized this in Joseph. It surprised me that Joseph didn't say anything to anyone about what happened to him - he never ratted out his brothers, even when they met again and needed his help more than air. Joseph knew God always has a plan. Joseph's role was to be patient and faithful.

I'm very encouraged by Joseph's testimony. I'm realizing I can only handle the things God is doing in my life one day at a time and even while doing this one day at a time, its hard to be patient and faithful. But, its a ton easier compared to worrying about my future.

I'm moving on to Exodus. I'll let you know how that goes.

My best friend and I are reading the book "Boundaries in Dating" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Male authors, huh? Thats what I'm thinking, but the content looks great, especially during this time in my life. I'm looking forward to learning from this book, God's word, and my best friend. I'm looking for some answers in this area and I'm excited about what I will learn.

I would love it if those of you that do read this would pray for my sister Sara this week. She is going to have surgery on Thursday the 17th and we are all really excited for her. Sara has had epilepsy since she was 12 - she's 23 now. Most of the memories I have of my sister revolve around her having epilepsy the past 10 years and I'm excited to make some new ones with her without epilepsy consuming so much of her. The procedure she will have is called VNS thearpy. Look it up if you'd like some extra info about it.

This is beautiful. This is a door that's opening for my sister and for God. Its so special too when I think about how God planned this day specially for her.

Pray the date would not change, the procedure would go well, and Sara will have a smooth recovery and adjustment to her new life. She's going to have some control of her life and this is something she hasn't had in a long time.

Change

It's everywhere in my life right now.
Today I asked God why the things in my life were happening and He brought me back to the moment when I found out how much I wanted and needed Him more than anything else. This moment was when I chose to place Him as Lord and Savior of my life. When I realized how everlasting and withstanding His love is over anything and everything else.
And, well, I'm taking that as my answer from God. I know I need God more than anything else in the world, but have I made God feel that way? Does He really feel like He's the most important thing by what my life reflects? When I ask myself that, I know I've done a terrible job.
But why the wonderful relationship and the healing it brought me from the terrible past relationship I was in? "Exactly, Rachael. You needed something wonderful to remind you of what I can do. And that I Am the only one who can bring you healing." That's the response I hear from God. Does this mean the road I'm on right now is going to be wonderful and easy from here on out? I don't think so, not if I do it on my own.
I read the book Dear John recently although it probably wasn't the greatest choice at the time. Savannah and John meet and fall in love in 2 weeks. Not just summer love, but a love that lasts in their hearts forever.But he's in the army and has to leave. And then leave again. After reading this book I became scared (and still am a little) that I would end up like Savannah. She tried to replace John by marrying someone other than him, but for the rest of her life she gives a small dose of the love she has to give to her husband but still gives so much more to John in her thoughts, in her soul.
But after much deliberation with myself, I realized that, once again, I was placing the image I have of the God of the Universe in the palm of my hand and He does not belong there... and He can't fit.
I love my best friend Brittney for this, and many more, reasons. She thinks like me. She worries like me. She's quiet like me. She doubts like me. We are constantly reminding each other to stop thinking or to stop placing God in a box. But we've both been burned in the past (not an excuse, but a statement that has left scars, which, have only made us stronger) and it has become the norm for the both of us. She has been such a positive and powerful force in my life because she will not let me settle. She will not let me sit around and wait for something to be fixed when God is waiting on me to listen to Him. Sometimes I've had the urge to just scream "but you dont understand!" but I won't. She understands.
This change I'm experiecing is taking some getting used to, but, at the same time, this is the change I needed. And, if this is the reason he came into my life, to show me how much I need God and how God's healing was the purpose of him, I'll [become] ok with that. I'm accepting it right now.

Day one of acceptance: check.

























Annabelle likes to help me do my homework...

Captivating

Well, I've finally picked up the book Captivating and I am enjoying it immensely. I can honestly tell you everything I've read has spoken to my heart in a special way and I haven't even started to read the chapter about God's healing. All I've read and have come to understand is the painful realization that I have been wounded, scarred, and chosen by satan to be constantly reminded of how worthless and sorry I am. Sounds pretty sucky so far, huh? It's been a breath of fresh air for my spirit.

I'd never thought these things through all the way. Things like how my character and personality are so easily molded just because I am a woman that satan so easily takes advantage of. I am gullible. I have felt lonely and still do have lonely days where satan has rubbed it in that I'm alone. I've had days where I do not feel beautiful, wanted, loved, valuable. I've had days where I've just felt shame. I felt as if these feelings were just a stage of my life that would pass once I got married and have a family of my own. Having those things would take away all the doubt I had in myself because those things would always make me feel complete/accomplished. I was wrong. These feelings are feelings I'll deal with for the rest of my life but Jesus always brings good news. He is the good news.

He, like me, wants to be loved, feel beautiful, wanted, valuable. He knows He is but there is so much more meaning when His creation says it to Him. This I never noticed: this great characteristic and desire of God in me. This realization makes satan so less powerful. Realizing God's gift in placing part of Himself in me gives off this "closer to God" feeling to me. To the point where I know satan can have no power over me - he can make me feel alone but there is no such thing as loneliness in my relationship with God. This my friends feels good. This puts a smile on my face and encourages me beyond belief. The friends and family I have will be there to say I'm here for you, we love you - but they will never know how much I need. How much I need to feel that everyday and experience. I realize that can be humanly impossible, which is fine since I now get this whole intimacy with God thing.

Oh intimacy -- you have been so dear to my heart lately. I've never felt intimacy with God like this before and it is lovely. Surrendering it all (and I mean it all - I haven't worried about anything in the past 2 days! This is huge for me. I'm the ultimate worrier) to the Lord to handle and realizing God has placed Himself in my heart/mind/soul in such a special and unique way so that I could only understand it is so intimate to me. I'm loving it and almost glutinous about it. Haha.

If you haven't felt important or special lately (to the ladies), I will leave you a taste of how Stasi and John point out God's unique love for you:

"It is nearing the end of the sixth day, the end of the Creator's great labor, as Adam steps forth, the image of God, the triumph of his work. He alone is pronounced the son of God. Nothing in creation even comes close. Picture Michelangelo's David. He is ... magnificent. Truly, the masterpiece seems complete. And yet, the Master says that something is not good, not right. Something is missing ... and that something is Eve."

"And the Lord God cast a deep slumber on the human, and he slept, and He took one of his ribs and closed over the flesh where it had been, and the Lord God built the rib he had taken from the human into a woman an He brought her to the human." Gen. 2:21-23 Alter.

She is the crescendo, the final, astonishing work of God. Woman. In one last flourish creation comes to a finish not with Adam, but with Eve. She is the Master's finishing touch. How we wish this were an illustrated book, and we could show you now some painting or sculpture that captures this. Like the stunning Greek sculpture of the goddess Nike or Samothrace, the winged beauty, just alighting on the prow of a great ship, her beautiful form revealed through the thin veils that sweep around her. Eve is ... breathtaking.

Given the way Creation unfolds, how it builds to ever higher and higher works of art, can there be any doubt that Eve is the crown of creation? Not an afterthought. Not a nice addition like an ornament on a tree. She is God's final touch, his piece de resistance. She fills a place in the world nothing and no one else can fill. Step to a window ladies, if you can. Better still, find some place with a view. Look out across the earth and say to yourselves, "The whole, vast world is incomplete without me. Creation reached its zenith in me."

I Want to be Chased

I want to be chased by all the right things. I feel I've been the chaser my whole life and now I want to be the chaseie. I don't want to go into tons of detail about this subject, but that's what's on my mind. I just know that God chases after me everyday and that makes me feel so loved and wanted. That might be every girls dream: to be chased. To have someone that never wants to loose sight of you. Someone that adores you. I know how to love, and I have loved. I'm built on love, by love, and for love. I love that God has made love a huge part of me. I have a big heart that cares a lot about a lot of things. I think it all started when I was younger and I wanted every stray pet I saw. Not just to have a cat, but to love it. All I wanted to do was pet it and give it a warm place to stay. I wrote this down one day: Everyone should know love. It's not something you have to earn or deserve. It's something you should know. It should be given out not bargained for. Love has no limits. I believe that, so much. That's why I love the way I do. No limits, no boundaries, no exceptions or expectations. That's how I want to be loved, how I want to be chased.

Here are some pics I took on my hike with Lisa.

Strength and honor are her clothing; she shall rejoice in the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness. She watches over the ways of her household, and does no eat the bread of idleness.

Proverbs 31:25-27

His Encouragement

I read this the other day and it honestly brought peace to my spirit. I've been battling with what my emotions want me to do and what my spirit wants me to do. I've had days where I chose to be angry and I know they didn't do me much good. I feel they made things worse. But going home was so good for me. I love my family so much and it was hard to leave this time. It might have been harder this time than any other time. I know how blessed I am to have them and it buma me out that certain things had to hurt them too before I wanted to hug them tighter.

Psalm 36-37

1 An oracle is within my heart concerning the sinfulness of the wicked: There is no fear of God before his eyes. 2 For in his own eyes he flatters himself too much to detect or hate his sin. 3 The words of his mouth are wicked and deceitful; he has ceased to be wise and to do good. 4 Even on his bed he plots evil; he commits himself to a sinful course and does not reject what is wrong. 5 Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. 6 Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your justice like the great deep. O LORD, you preserve both man and beast. 7 How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings. 8 They feast on the abundance of your house; you give them drink from your river of delights. 9 For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light. 10 Continue your love to those who know you, your righteousness to the upright in heart. 11 May the foot of the proud not come against me, nor the hand of the wicked drive me away. 12 See how the evildoers lie fallen— thrown down, not able to rise!

1 Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong; 2 for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away. 3 Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. 4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. 5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: 6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. 8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. 9 For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land. 10 A little while, and the wicked will be no more; though you look for them, they will not be found. 11 But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy great peace. 12 The wicked plot against the righteous and gnash their teeth at them; 13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked, for he knows their day is coming. 14 The wicked draw the sword and bend the bow to bring down the poor and needy, to slay those whose ways are upright. 15 But their swords will pierce their own hearts, and their bows will be broken. 16 Better the little that the righteous have than the wealth of many wicked; 17 for the power of the wicked will be broken, but the LORD upholds the righteous. 18 The days of the blameless are known to the LORD, and their inheritance will endure forever. 19 In times of disaster they will not wither; in days of famine they will enjoy plenty. 20 But the wicked will perish: The LORD's enemies will be like the beauty of the fields, they will vanish—vanish like smoke. 21 The wicked borrow and do not repay, but the righteous give generously; 22 those the LORD blesses will inherit the land, but those he curses will be cut off. 23 If the LORD delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm; 24 though he stumble, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand. 25 I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread. 26 They are always generous and lend freely; their children will be blessed. 27 Turn from evil and do good; then you will dwell in the land forever. 28 For the LORD loves the just and will not forsake his faithful ones. They will be protected forever, but the offspring of the wicked will be cut off; 29 the righteous will inherit the land and dwell in it forever. 30 The mouth of the righteous man utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks what is just. 31 The law of his God is in his heart; his feet do not slip. 32 The wicked lie in wait for the righteous, seeking their very lives; 33 but the LORD will not leave them in their power or let them be condemned when brought to trial. 34 Wait for the LORD and keep his way. He will exalt you to inherit the land; when the wicked are cut off, you will see it. 35 I have seen a wicked and ruthless man flourishing like a green tree in its native soil, 36 but he soon passed away and was no more; though I looked for him, he could not be found. 37 Consider the blameless, observe the upright; there is a future for the man of peace. 38 But all sinners will be destroyed; the future of the wicked will be cut off. 39 The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD; he is their stronghold in time of trouble. 40 The LORD helps them and delivers them; he delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in him.

there is beauty in the breakdown

My heart hurts

It hurts so badly. Yesterday was terrible. I lost something I love forever. It's gone. Forever. I know I wont be able to say goodbye to it for a long time though, and that hurts more. I never wanted to know this kind of pain and I never thought I would have to experince it. I thought I was smarter than that. I thought this only happened to girls who didn't know what they were getting into. But I knew. I knew this was going to be good, and it was for 2 years. The last month though, it didn't mean anything. I tried for nothing. I loved and wasn't loved back. I can't wrap my mind around it. My heart beats so fast, my body get so warm with frustration and heartbreak, and my hands tremble.

I ran away, I cried, I screamed why. I still don't know how this all happened. What made him love me less because of her?

I'll add another scar. The one thing I can smile a little about is that I know my scars have made me stronger. I'm going to keep praying for strength like Peter.