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Songs, people, and the bible say there are seasons to our lives. The seasons of the next year of my life will bring the brightest of colors and the coolest of temperatures.

The end of my summer brought a sweet boy back home to Texas and has also welcomed the beginning of the end of my college career and the end of my career as a leasing agent. I have moved into a new apartment; my own apartment which I share with Shane and Annabelle. It's different. I come home to silence, all the lights off, and occasionally Shane running down the stairs to greet me at the door. I'm not so sure I could call it home though. All of my belongings are in this apartment (some still in boxes) but it doesn't smell like I would want my home to smell. It doesn't feel like I would want my home to feel. This place could be my "home" for just the next year, which isn't very long, but I want it to feel like a bit of a sanctuary for me. I've only been here for less than a month, so I'm sure I'll make it home eventually.

It's hard to believe that my time in college is slowly coming to an end. And although it's hard to believe, I am very grateful for the end of all of it. I feel like I've been pushing and fighting my way to this point, and even though the pushing and fighting isn't over with yet, it's getting a little easier to breathe and a lot easier break free of what's been holding me here for the past 4 years. I have no clue of exactly where my degree is going to take me. Part me feels like my resume for the rest of my life is going to very eclectic. Not that I feel like I wont be able to hold on to a job, I just enjoy experiencing and learning new things. I want to work with children for the rest of my life and I never want to loose the ability to speak Spanish.

I want to create things as well and have people find interest in what I create. My Mom told me this past Christmas that all she wanted from me for Christmas was a picture I had taken. That meant a lot to me. I want to take moments that people want to keep forever and really allow them to keep them forever. I journal often (outside of this blog) and I fill my journal with all kinds of memories I want to reminisce on and share with others . Writing isn't the only way I fill the pages with memories either. I put movie ticket stubs or flower petals or scents or pictures on the pages too. Why? Because I want all of my senses to remember.
I gave my Gran and Gramps a picture of their dog this past Christmas as well. It was taken out in their backyard that summer. Penny, their dog, died earlier this year. Now, my Gran told me while holding back her emotions, that pictures means more to them than they could have imagined. They have a way to remember their dog forever now and their granddaughter who took it.

If there's anything I could use right now, it would be confidence in the path that has been set out for me. I trust it, but I don't trust myself. I struggle with the need to control this path, and I don't want to. I want to be lead. I don't want to lead.

This is Penny

This is why I take pictures. This picture is a memory for my entire my family; the memory of my Papa holding his first Great Grandchild for the very first time.

The Sound of Melodies

Dear Eve,
Thanks.

Love your daughter,
Rachael


This spiritual warfare is driving me bonkers. How did the serpent know my (Eve's) weakness? Did he know I would crumble beneath his words so easily and the rest of the world would as well? The aftermath of this sin is ridiculous.


But this can't be used as an excuse. Just because Adam and Eve did it first doesn't mean it is passed down and runs in our blood and we "just can't help it."
Genesis 4:7
"If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it."


God said this to Cain before he murdered his brother Abel. Right here God tells us we have a say in this matter - this matter over sin and righteousness. Sin is knocking at my door every single day but do I choose the righteousness of God over the death of sin? Do you?


Worst of all, satan knows my weakness. Satan knows the "not right" choice and he will make it sound delicious. He will make it sound like God is holding out on me and his choice, this sinful choice, is what is best for me.


Right now, this sin for me is lonliness. Satan has used words to tug the stitches on my heart open in order for his battle to reign victorious in me. Satan's desire is for me. Saying those words makes me sick to my stomach and incredibly angry. Satan's victory comes through my death in chosing the sin he has laid out for me.
James 1:15
"Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death."


We are in a battle. A battle against death. Do you get this? Chosing sin over God's righteousness brings death. It puts you on the front lines of satan's army. Where do you fight? Where do you stand? Who do you want to fight for?


I hope and pray it is Jesus.
Romans 8: 1-4, 13
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live acccording to the sinful nuature but according to the Spirit.
For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God."

At the foot of the cross

Where I am made complete

You have given me life

Through the death You bore for me

And You've won my heart

And You've won my heart

Now I can

Trade these ashes in for beauty

And wear forgiveness like a crown

Coming to kiss the feet of mercy

I lay every burden down

At the foot of the cross

Stuck

I've been wanting to write for this thing for a while but my thoughts wont settle down to make sense of what the world has been like around me. My journal entries for the past week have been about 6 pages long, but then I get on here and I'm silent. I've wanted my words to breathe on here. I've wanted the reader and myself to look back and have this long exhale after we're done reading. And while exhaling we both think together, "Gosh, God is so good." From brain to pen to paper I can do this. But here, I'm just stuck.

I'm learning so much right now about myself and the amazing God I am blessed to know and serve. He is moving. His Spirit dwells in me and it is moving. He is stirring my emotions, creating new romances, building new lives in His name and for His glory. He is alive and He lives in me.

And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor

to be with you forever - the Spirit of Truth.

The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him.

But you know him,

for he lives with you and will be (and is) in you.

John 14: 16-17

I don't know how to take that in. I cannot wrap my mind around this. The God of the Universe lives in me. The verse "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13) sticks so much harder now.

He is jealous for me - Deuteronomy 4:24

He will fight for me - Exodous 14:14

I want to be more thankful for this. I want to be more aware of this. I want to do something with this.

With Everything

Colossians 3: 23-24
Wheatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as
working for the Lord, not for men, since you
know that you will receive an inheritance from
the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you
are serving.

So, I'm about to start my spring semester. One, this is supposed to be my last semester. Two, I just changed my major. This = :/ or :] or both. Well, this is how my mind goes about dealing with this. I should be graduating and I'm not! This freaks me out. I changed my major for a reason though - a deep, heart aching reason.

I feel and know Spanish and photography are passions God has placed in me for a very special purpose. And I desire, with an aching heart, to please God through obedience to this passion. But, I'm not graduating. I'm not on the plan people expected from me - that I expected from myself. I'm not a people pleaser but I dislike dissapointing people. That's not the same thing, right?

wrong.

Colossians 3:23-24 Rachael!
Do everything... everything, everything, everything, with your whole heart and make it pleasing to the Lord. not people... the Lord.

My passions are my purpose - what my heart beats for.

I pray this semester is different.
I pray for God-led passion, not self-led passion.
I pray to work with all my heart.

Mindful

Psalm 119: 91-93 & 96

Your laws endure to this day,

for all things serve you.

If your law had not been my delight,

I would have perished in my affliction.

I will never forget your precepts,

for by them you have preserved my life.

To all perfection I see a limit;

but your commands are boundless.

Psalm 119:71

It was good for me to be afflicted

so that I might learn your decrees.

1 Corinthians 10:13

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful: he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

All of these verses, inculding the chapters I have read in Exodus this past week, have spoken to me in wonderful ways. They have all made me very mindful of God. I love it when I get lost in my thoughts. This happens all the time when I'm driving. Sometimes my thoughts get so wrapped up around God and who He is and what He means to me that I get really emotional. And in those moments I become so grateful because I know God saw them coming and He knew how I would respond and He knew how special they would be to me.

I've only become grateful and thankful for things like this because of every event in my life. I see so much beauty in this world because I have experienced pain. And I accept pain because I know its only brought strength to my faith in God.

I feel like my ideas of my own life have changed so much in the past month and it scares me. A wonderful relationship I was in ended, I changed my major (my 4th year of college), and my passions really are consuming my life (finally!) My heart is falling in love with so many things right now and its so wonderful to be crazy in love with Jesus.

If you haven't, check out this awesome band, Ornan's Floor. Here's a link to listen to my favorite song of theirs right now. www.youtube.com/watch?v=odE7Fv7ljWY

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

(he still loves me.... haha :) )

Beautiful

So, for the past 50 days I read Genesis (and 50 Psalms). It lasted 50 days because Genesis is 50 chapters. I've been a Christian since I was 13 and I'm 22 now. This was my first time to ever read all of Genesis. My feelings about this are indifferent. I've ask myself "Why did I wait so long?" But obviously reading this now is when God wanted me to read it and I learned a lot from it.

There are so many amazing people in this book of the bible, and they too, are not perfect people. They were infected with sin as much as me and God still used them to do amazing things. These were the very first people of the world! You'd think they would want to make the best first impression on the world, on their great great greatest grandchildren, but nope. Human, thats what they were - what we are - and that makes all of us weak to our own wants.

I think my favorite story is about Joseph. He was arrogant, yes, but God used Him in very powerful ways. I cant imagine my own sibling selling me! Joseph was being a little stinker, but being sold as your punishment! Yikes! And Joseph had to be so patient during all of this. He was in prison for so long and he didn't do anything to be placed there. AND when he had his chance to get out he was forgotten about. He didn't feel very lucky, but Joesph was so faithful in God. And God recognized this in Joseph. It surprised me that Joseph didn't say anything to anyone about what happened to him - he never ratted out his brothers, even when they met again and needed his help more than air. Joseph knew God always has a plan. Joseph's role was to be patient and faithful.

I'm very encouraged by Joseph's testimony. I'm realizing I can only handle the things God is doing in my life one day at a time and even while doing this one day at a time, its hard to be patient and faithful. But, its a ton easier compared to worrying about my future.

I'm moving on to Exodus. I'll let you know how that goes.

My best friend and I are reading the book "Boundaries in Dating" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Male authors, huh? Thats what I'm thinking, but the content looks great, especially during this time in my life. I'm looking forward to learning from this book, God's word, and my best friend. I'm looking for some answers in this area and I'm excited about what I will learn.

I would love it if those of you that do read this would pray for my sister Sara this week. She is going to have surgery on Thursday the 17th and we are all really excited for her. Sara has had epilepsy since she was 12 - she's 23 now. Most of the memories I have of my sister revolve around her having epilepsy the past 10 years and I'm excited to make some new ones with her without epilepsy consuming so much of her. The procedure she will have is called VNS thearpy. Look it up if you'd like some extra info about it.

This is beautiful. This is a door that's opening for my sister and for God. Its so special too when I think about how God planned this day specially for her.

Pray the date would not change, the procedure would go well, and Sara will have a smooth recovery and adjustment to her new life. She's going to have some control of her life and this is something she hasn't had in a long time.

Change

It's everywhere in my life right now.
Today I asked God why the things in my life were happening and He brought me back to the moment when I found out how much I wanted and needed Him more than anything else. This moment was when I chose to place Him as Lord and Savior of my life. When I realized how everlasting and withstanding His love is over anything and everything else.
And, well, I'm taking that as my answer from God. I know I need God more than anything else in the world, but have I made God feel that way? Does He really feel like He's the most important thing by what my life reflects? When I ask myself that, I know I've done a terrible job.
But why the wonderful relationship and the healing it brought me from the terrible past relationship I was in? "Exactly, Rachael. You needed something wonderful to remind you of what I can do. And that I Am the only one who can bring you healing." That's the response I hear from God. Does this mean the road I'm on right now is going to be wonderful and easy from here on out? I don't think so, not if I do it on my own.
I read the book Dear John recently although it probably wasn't the greatest choice at the time. Savannah and John meet and fall in love in 2 weeks. Not just summer love, but a love that lasts in their hearts forever.But he's in the army and has to leave. And then leave again. After reading this book I became scared (and still am a little) that I would end up like Savannah. She tried to replace John by marrying someone other than him, but for the rest of her life she gives a small dose of the love she has to give to her husband but still gives so much more to John in her thoughts, in her soul.
But after much deliberation with myself, I realized that, once again, I was placing the image I have of the God of the Universe in the palm of my hand and He does not belong there... and He can't fit.
I love my best friend Brittney for this, and many more, reasons. She thinks like me. She worries like me. She's quiet like me. She doubts like me. We are constantly reminding each other to stop thinking or to stop placing God in a box. But we've both been burned in the past (not an excuse, but a statement that has left scars, which, have only made us stronger) and it has become the norm for the both of us. She has been such a positive and powerful force in my life because she will not let me settle. She will not let me sit around and wait for something to be fixed when God is waiting on me to listen to Him. Sometimes I've had the urge to just scream "but you dont understand!" but I won't. She understands.
This change I'm experiecing is taking some getting used to, but, at the same time, this is the change I needed. And, if this is the reason he came into my life, to show me how much I need God and how God's healing was the purpose of him, I'll [become] ok with that. I'm accepting it right now.

Day one of acceptance: check.

























Annabelle likes to help me do my homework...