Finally

I finally got my laptop! Ok, so I've had it for a while, it's just taken some time to sit down get back to this. I've missed it. There were times where I desperately needed to write so I broke out the old pen and paper. It's nice to have my own again.

My Fall semester has begun. I'm 3 weeks into it and I've enjoyed it more than past semesters. I'm now digging in to the classes for my major. This means I get to think, act, and talk like a child all day. Well, not literally, but in a couple of classes. Taking these classes makes me eager to get my carreer started. I need to be careful with this though because sometimes my desire to start my carreer becomes more important than other things and I lose sight of what's right in front of me. Atleast I know teaching is one of the desires of my heart.

I thought about this on Sunday at church - the desires of my heart. I've been told the Lord knows the desires of our hearts and if those desires are willed to us they will eventually happen. I thought about my desires and I'm so thankful the Lord knows them and has special days planned when he is going to bless me with them. God knows I love children. God knows I love the Spanish language. God knows I want a family of my own one day. God knows who I want my husband to be. And to know that He is the provider of my happiness, the one who will provide the happiness when the desires of my heart are fufilled , is so reassuring. I'm thankful He shows me love and mercy and kindness and justice and compassion. I'm thankful for the hard lessons I have learned and the young woman I have become because of them. I'm thankful for the rough summer he gave me. I'm thankful He assured me I had more experiences and growing up to do.

Remember what I said earlier this summer about growing up - I definitely did. It's a litte noticeable especially if you knew me in high school. I was easily walked on a made the middle man of many situations during that time. It was easy because I was stuck with the idea of my opinion not mattering. I've learned I do matter and I can make my own decisions without asking for approval. This is a big deal to me. I've never been that person. I've always just let things happen because I was too afraid to hurt anyones feelings. Not that I want to hurt feelings now, I'm very cautious of what I say (I was reminded the Fruits of the Spirit should still apply), I'm just not afraid to say it.

I'm proud of myself! I think it's surprised some people, but this is me! I'm not so easy anymore. I'm complicated. Well, maybe I'm a little less complicated because I don't expect people to be able to read my mind, but I can make things complicated because I know I matter. It's so nice to say that - I matter. I do. I'm important. I'm here for a reason - cliche - but it's so true. In the words of Flight of the Conchords, "It's business time."

I've been encouraged and challenged by theses words this past week; "If anyone loves me he will obey my teaching. The Father will love him and we will come to him and make our home with him. He who does not love me does not obey my teaching. The words you hear are not my own, they come from the Father who sent me." John 14:23-24

Sometimes I forget how much I need to love God's word. It's important. I'm not totally fascinated with reading so I guess it's a challenge for me to sit down and read for 3o minutes. My excuse is lame, but arent excuses supposed to be? I should stop having them then. I'm being challenged right now to love God's word and it's really starting to help.

Live from San Marcos

Apartment living: so far so good. I'm enjoying the freedom and the space. I dont feel very independent though; I still rely on my family for lots of help. I think I always will though. I've thought about this before, so it doesn't frighten me too much. I know I'll always call my mom or dad if my I'm sick or if I'm having a hard time financially or physically. It's nice to depend on them but I hope I dont always have to. I hope to really, truly, grow up one day. I think I grew up fast when I was in high school but now, I've slowed down a bit. I see my older sister Barbara and her husband and they are grown ups. Maybe being married/being your own family helps you grow up more. I think once I start my career I'll feel a lot more grown up. Heck, maybe it will happen this year when I turn 21, who knows.

I start summer school on monday, that should make my days feel a little fuller.

I got a doggy... well Ryan and I did. haha. He's great. His name is Shane and we got him from the Paws Animal Shelter in Kyle. He's sleeping by my bed as I type. He'll sleep on the bed when he feels like it; he's strong willed, says Ryan. He's a 1 year old border terrior hound dog mix and I'm pretty sure he might have some other stuff in him.

He likes to cuddle and he's really nosey. He'll put everything in his mouth just to see what it taste like. He's only gotten a hold of one of my flip flops and the blinds in the living room. For some reason he likes to drink fish bowl water too. AND he's potty trained... the perfect dog. haha.

I think I'm kinda finding out who I really want to be this summer (not just for the summer, but who I am period). I'm away from home and I spend a lot of time thinking and hanging out with girls my own age and I'm spending a lot of time with Ryan. I hope to find out by the end of the summer. I've also had quite a bit of time by the pool so that's been nice too. hmmmm

Summer read I reccomend: Jesus for President by Shane Caliborne and Chris Haw. The title is, I guess, intense, but the book itself, not so much. I know it's an election year, blah blah blah, and we do have quite a bit of control over that, but really, as this book goes on to say, if you do believe in God than you should want God to be your president, not a man or woman that lives in a big white house. I dont know what else to say, Im bad at explaining it, but the book gives a recap of all the kings the world has had and the effect they have had on the people and visa versa as well as how, in the end, God assures the people that he is in control. It's reassuring, so far. I'm only like 50 pages into it so maybe I'm just a little biased. haha.

I hope you're all having a great summer so far and lets try really hard to prevent fires. that was random but they've been on my mind lately.

p.s.

It's May!

I'm excited about it too. Sophomore year is out the door and Junior years is walking in. This semester was wondeful. I'd been excited since the spring semester of my Freshmen year. New people, new friendships, strengthening continued ones, and rekindleing past ones. I'm still just as excited for the fall to get here.

Spring has gone by so quickly but I am ready for summer to start. I have a feeling I'm going to grow up a little more this summer. I'm going to be in an apartment for the first time! I'm a little nervous, but a ton more excited and anxious. I love my roommate, Emily, to death and I'm so excited to spend all kinds of quality time together with her. I'm gonna love Jen too, how could I not? It's going to be a blast, and everyone is welcome to come over and spend the night with me. I'll share my bed... unless you're a boy - you can have the couch... in the living room. I plan to go visit my Dad and the rest of my family that is in Louisiana this summer too. I miss them, all of them, a whole bunch. It'll be nice to be in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of farm animals... i love animals.

I want to adopt an animal - a puppy named Nellie to be exact. I think she's waiting for me at the Kyle Animal Shelter. (that's her)

I think the Lord has blessed me with the ability to love - to love more than I thought I could. If you've seen me with animals, you might've gotten a glimpse of this. I used to share my twin size bed with my dog Isabelle (she's a doberman pinscher... a big one too). That's why I've gotten into the habit of sleeping up against the wall, even when there isnt a 70 pound dog in my bed. haha. I love to love. I love to make people feel better. I love to bring a smile to a sad childs face. To help bring back the hope they once had in the world, into their eyes.

I like this verse. It helps me understand what the Lord has blessed me with.

The LORD will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the LORD. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing. Isaiah 51:3

It brings me hope. I'm hurt pretty easily, I'd even call myself a big baby, but the Lord loves me in all that, and he will bring sunshine back into my cloudy day. I'm thankful for that.

A Friendship in Need

I miss being a kid. I miss getting away with skipping without the awkward looks that tend to come with it now. I had a rough day today. I've had about 5 or 6 moments where I wanted to fall to the floor and have a tantrum. If I were this little girl, I'd totally get away with it; but I'm not. It's all because of silly school too. I know that if I didn't have to take the same classes over again that I took in elementary school I'd be so excited about school. I love my major, and I'm really excited about becoming a bilingual teacher, but that wait and the frustration makes me think it's not worth it. But it is- it totally is! I think. argh.


"I thank my God always when I remember you in my prayers, because I hear of your love and of the faith that you have toward the Lord Jesus and all the saints, and I pray that the sharing of your faith may become effective for the full knowledge of every good thing that is in us for the sake of Christ. For I have derived much joy and comfort from your love, my brother, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you."
Philemon: 4-7

Paul is such a nice guy and in the past couple weeks I've been reminded that I need to be a nice guy too. When I read these verses for about the 5th time I was finally able to realize that this, Paul, is the kind of friend I need to be.
At Believe weekend all we talked about was putting others first. Then I read Philemon and see how Paul, who is in prison at the time, sheds love and encouragement all over his friend. Tonight at Metro we talked about making relationships with people; real authentic relationships. I stink at relationships! I'm scared of them, mainly because I'm afraid of being hurt, used or forgotten. I've been fearful of relationships ever since my parents got divorced. I just cant trust people easily. I want to, and because of God's consistent reminder of this, I'm going to pursue this friendship thing. I'm going to get rid of the word aquaintance. I'm still terrified though. Inside I want to break down and give up and tell myself that I had a good run but it's time to go back to the couch and think of another way to have real relationships with people, but I know that's not how God wants things at all. He wants me to love like He loves. To share like He shared when He was on this earth. Paul wanted Philemon's testimony to become effective and God wants the same thing for me too. In order for that to happen... I'll need to step it up.

... Like our saying goes at the BSM... "OWN IT"

Everything is debatable

A new year full of new things. I'm excited. I think. Well, I am. It's helped to think positively about this year since it started off incredibly. I was blessed to spend as much time with Ryan as I did and meet a side of his family that I'd never met before. I took my first flight (I know, I'm 20 and I had never flown before), saw real snow (not the texas kind), stood on top of a mountain and ski on the same one too. It was wonderful. (I'll post pics later today) I want to do it all over again but somewhere else. Like Colorado or somewhere tropical. I would love to travel and take pictures and at the end of the day drink tea as I watch the sunset. I wouldnt want to do any of those things alone though. That would be a dream of mine come true. I know it's possible to have that dream come true which is even more exciting.

Slowly but surely I'm realizing my vote is important. It's an election year, which I dont enjoy, so that means it's time to vote. I've looked into Obama, Huckabee, and Ron Paul. Random funny note - I was talking to my mom a little bit about the elections and I metioned Obama and all she had to say was "you know what his real first name is right?" and I told her "yes, it's osama and you cant hold that against him becasue he really had no say in choosing his own name." That ended the conversation rather quickly.
I think its ridiculous how people can zone in on something so little like that to make people alter their opinion on the candidates. I've decided that I'm not going to tell anyone on who I vote for. Too much controversy comes out of it.

I head back to school in about a week. I'm ready. I love being in San Marcos. I love being in college. I love the people that I am surrounded by when I'm down there. I'm not sure about the summer though. I would love to stay down there and take summer classes but I need to see if I can afford it. I'm crossing my fingers and praying that I can. I'm ready to start a life of my own and I think a necessity for that is to have my own place.

It's finally Winter Break

I'm glad it's here. I really needed a break from school.

I feel like I prepared too much for my finals. I know that sounds rediculous but after nights of staying up til 4 am and then waking up the next morning throwing up because my nerves and lack of sleep got the best of me proves that I tried to hard. I stayed up late every single night before I had a final. I would get in bed at 2:30 or 3 but I would think and think and think about everything that could go wrong. Everytime I did this I made sure to remind myself that God had control of my college education and if He wanted me to get a B He would make it happen. I didn't trust Him enough. I still would toss and turn and shed tears before I finally let myself fall asleep.

I got the grades I wanted. I'm staying at Texas State. I know that's where God wants me to be. I know it is. But why couldn't I just believe that and let God put me to sleep all of those restless nights? I wanted Him to, I really did but I couldn't look past myself.

I've struggled with trust for the longest time and I still do today. I distrust God the most. I want that to change. I've taken step after step in order to make that happen but satan steps in and something goes wrong with my family or with myself and I loose my focus. I'm the worst at gettting distracted too. Even when I pray.

I was able to focus so hard on my school work and remember all that I needed to and apply it. I've learned so much about who God really is and what He thinks about me, but I fail at applying it.

Maybe I need to take a "How to be more dependent on God" class. I'm willing to take it from anyone that knows how.

Hypocracy

I don't like it when people are hypocrites. It's a huge turn off to me and it usually makes me think less of a person sometimes. I have a hard time respecting Christians that are hypocrites. It's not ok. Do you not understand that?

Sorry, I've just been around a couple of people like this lately and it's driving me bonkers. It bothers me more because I know they are doing what they are doing for attention - attention from the world. Why crave that? I already know the answer to that. I've had to answer it for myself a couple times. What also bothers me is that these people come to me and tell me the hardtimes that they are going through and how much they know they need to seek God in order for things to be ok, but no, instead they turn to the world for help, and it hurts my feelings. Not only my feelings, but the Lord's.

Ugh, I'm sick of this stuff. I'm ready for the Christians of this world to grow up. You have a responsibility that God has blessed you with. Stop waisting God's time and do something that will bring glory to Him, not yourself.